


Speak Now-Phan

by zoeisnotonfire



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, angsty fluff, but literally so much angst I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-08-20 04:03:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8235419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoeisnotonfire/pseuds/zoeisnotonfire
Summary: Dan and Phil get into a fight. Dan wakes up in the year 2021 and finds out Phil is going to marry Cat. He doesn't know if he should speak up or let Phil be 'happy.'





	1. Chapter 1

# Chapter one.

 

Dan and Phil were in a rush. They are supposed to be on the next flight out and Dan hasn’t finished uploading Pinof 8. He of course procrastinated on doing this like he always does, but he was almost done. It would have been easier to edit if they didn’t kiss every five minutes of footage, but he managed to edit everything out. 

“Come on, Dan! We’re going to miss our flight!” Phil exclaimed. Phil was tapping his foot impatiently as he watched Dan fumble off the sofa. 

“It’s almost done being edited. Can you just upload it while I go get my suitcase?” Dan was already running to his room. 

Phil grabbed Dan’s laptop and uploaded the video. Phil noticed that the video was really long but shrugged it off since they did answer a load of questions. 

“Oh and Phil, you need to save it on the computer as ‘edited Pinof 8’ because I only have the unedited one saved onto it” Dan said. But it was too late, Phil had already uploaded the video and fans were already watching it. Phil started panicking, he just outed Phan. It’s not like he had a problem with telling people he was gay, but he knew that Dan did. The only reason they haven’t confirmed their relationship is because of Dan. Why? Phil has no idea why, but he doesn’t like asking Dan because he always gets mad and goes back to his own room for the night.

“Dan, I think I messed up” Phil dared to say. 

“What do you mean?” Dan giggled and he walked back into the living room.

“I think I accidentally uploaded the unedited version” Phil winced, he knew Dan was going to scream at him. 

He didn’t though, Dan didn’t say anything at first. He was trying to comprehend what Phil had just told him. This can’t be real. No. This is a prank. Phil is just joking, right?  
“Ha ha, very funny Phil,” Dan said sarcastically, praying that it was indeed a joke.

Phil just stared at him. His eyes alone showed the truth. He frowned at Dan, with tears in his eyes, he whispered, “I’m so sorry Dan, it’s not a joke.” He put his hands over his face, he didn’t know what else to do.

Dan was frozen in shock he couldn't move or speak, because he didn’t know what to do. That is until he started thinking of what people are going to be saying to him, now. He started thinking of all the people who are going to stop watching now that he was officially gay, so Dan did the only thing he could do. It was the worst thing he can do in this moment but he still did. 

He got mad at Phil. 

“Oh my god Phil!” Dan yelled. “How can you be so stupid?”

Phil frowned at him. He was angry at himself, but now he was angrier at Dan for not wanting to come out. We wouldn’t be in this mess if you would stop procrastinating, Phil thought. “This is your fault as much as it is mine,” is what he screamed out. 

“What the fuck Phil? How is this my fault?” he yelled back.

Dan and Phil have never had an actual fight. They had once and it was practically the same argument but with the notorious Valentine’s Day Video.

“I can’t believe you can be so dense!” Dan exclaimed.

“If you weren’t such a fucking procrastinator we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place!” Phil swore. Dan knew that it was going too far because Phil swore. Sure, Phil swore but never so angrily. Never to offend Dan. Dan didn’t stop though. He didn’t apologize or calm down. He poured fuel to the fire. 

“I shouldn’t have trusted you with this simple task so yeah, I guess it is my fault. It’s my fault for thinking you can do something so simple!” He fired back. 

Phil couldn’t take it he said the worst thing he has ever told Dan. “God! At least I’m no the one piece of shit that’s too scared to tell people they’re gay!” 

“God, I actually feel like breaking up with you this time,” Dan screamed as he stormed off to his room. 

Phil didn’t move. He was heartbroken and didn’t want to think about what Dan just told him. 

Dan started crying as soon as he slammed his door shut. Why did he say that to Phil? He didn’t mean it, not really. He was just upset. Dan didn’t want to handle the hate that he knew that he would get now that everyone knows he’s gay. He would be thought of as another white gay guy on the internet. Of course that’s exactly what he is but he doesn’t want to be put in that category. He doesn’t want to lose some of his fans. He doesn’t want people to think of him any different. He was still Dan.  
Dan was too upset to do anything, so he drifted off to sleep

~~~~

Dan woke up on his own bed. The bed that he doesn’t usually sleep in. He’d always sleep in Phil’s bed, because he loved the scent of Phil that he caught whenever he would wake up. He loved Phil’s scent almost as much as he loved Phil. 

Dan didn’t want to be mad at Phil. He loved Phil more than anything and anyone. He couldn’t just let Phil think that he actually hated him. I love Phil. I love him and I don’t care if anyone finds out. I love him. 

Dan got the courage to go out of his room and say sorry to Phil. It felt different. Him, the atmosphere. He felt uneasy. He looked around and noticed a picture of him and Phil wasn’t on his wall anymore. The picture was taken in Japan. They were under the cherry blossoms kissing. It was his favorite picture of him and Phil. Dan still remembers when him and Phil put it up. 

_“Dan, you can’t put it there!” Phil laughed. His arms were wrapped around Dan’s waist while Dan was trying to put up the framed picture._

_“Yes I can, look I always film my videos over here” he pointed at his bed. “And my Live shows are over here” he pointed at his bedside drawer. “No one will know it’s there except us.” He kissed Phil._

_“I love you” Phil held him tighter._

_“I love you more” Dan smirked._

_“I love you most” Phil smiled. It was completely cheesy but they have been telling each other that since they first kissed. It was their ‘thing’ as Dan called it. Phil loved it and they said it every time either of them said ‘I love you’._

_Phil looked at Dan and smiled. He couldn’t help it, he loved Dan more than anything and anyone. Phil placed his lips on Dan’s. The kiss was gentle and soft. Dan’s hands led their way up to Phil’s hair. Dan’s lips parted and Phil’s tongue was in his mouth. He deepened the kiss and Dan answered with a moan. Dan’s mind was racing. God, he loved Phil’s kisses. Their mouths moved together neither of them wanting to break the kiss to breath. Dan fumbled backwards causing both of them to fall onto Dan’s bed. Phil straddled Dan’s legs and his mouth started trailing kisses onto Dan’s neck. Dan moaned louder when Phil started to bite down on his neck. Dan felt his erection grow. Phil pulled Dan’s shirt over his head and threw it to the floor, his own following it._

_Phil stopped for a second just to admire Dan’s body. He loved everything about Dan. He saw Dan become more confident about himself first hand. He has changed so much yet so little. He still had the most beautiful brown eyes Phil has ever seen in his life. He still had those cute dimples when he smiled. He still had the same personality he had when they met._

_Phil Kisses Dan and whispered into his ear “I love you.”_

_“I love you more” Dan gasped._

_Phil’s hands moved down to Dan’s crotch. He unbuttoned Dan’s jeans and slid them down to his ankles. Phil started trailed kisses down his chest until he got to the elastic of Dan’s trousers. “I love you most” he said before pulling down them off. Phil placed a single kiss on Dan’s inner thigh._  
~~~`~~~  
Dan looked around his room for a while. Nothing was in its place. His bed was facing a different way. His computer was on the other side of the room. What was going on?  
He couldn’t find the picture or his phone. 

Dan didn’t know what to do but he knew that the first thing he should do is go to Phil. He needed to apologize. He needed to tell Phil that he loved him and what was going on.  
He stepped into the hallway and none of Phil's damned houseplants were gone. Dan didn’t know what to say to that but enough weird has happened for Dan for him not to care about some plants, but what he did worry about was his living room. Almost all their stuff was missing. 

_Did we get robbed?_

The sofas were still there but only one game console was left. All the pictures of him and Phil were gone. The only things left were most of Dan's old stuff. All Phil's house plants, figurines, and pictures were gone. 

Dan was about to have a panic attack until he heard his phone ring. The noise was coming from the inside of his sofa. He took off the black cushion and saw his phone faced down in the corner of it. He picked it up and saw Phil's name and photo. He answered the phone hesitantly. 

“Dan! You finally answered, I’ve been trying to reach you all morning” Phil said. 

Why didn’t he just wake me up like usual? Was Dan’s first thought but he remembered that Phil was mad at him so his second thought was Where the hell is Phil and all his stuff? Dan didn’t ask any of this though, He just stayed silent until Phil said something else. 

“Well anyway, meet me at our usual afterno- I mean the café close by where we used to go to” Phil sounded a bit forced in his usual kind words. He only used that tone when it came to people that Phil really doesn’t like or is forced to talk to. Dan should know, he’s been with him for so many of those conversations. Dan would always make fun of him when he finished saying good bye. “wow Phil, you’re so nice,” Dan would always tell him, sarcastically. 

Dan realized he hadn’t said anything into the phone so he muttered a quick “Okay” and before he could say an ‘I love you’, Phil hung up.  
So he is still mad at me.

Dan sighed, dropped his phone back onto the couch and made his way back to his bed room. Phil said to meet him right now, so it doesn’t give him enough time to come up with a good ‘I’m sorry’ speech. He put on the first pair of black jeans he saw and his 'Yeezus' shirt. “A classic Dan shirt” Phil once said. 

He walked outside and turned the usual corner. He saw the café, but the whole building seemed different.

_Dan and Phil only went there because it, as Phil said, looked cool and picture worthy. Dan had rolled his eyes but followed Phil inside. They sat at a booth in the back and ordered two cups of tea. It was a small place with a ceiling that looked like a mandala. The tables in the center were tall and painted black but the booths were wooden with emerald green cushions. The whole place smelled of herbal tea and it had acoustic music playing softly._

_“This place is actually really cool,” Dan had said while he admired the chalkboard walls. Different peoples’ drawings littered the walls. Some just had hearts with initials placed in them. The waiter came over and handed them their tea and two pieces of chalk. “You can draw on the walls if you want” He said before leaving the couple._

_The place was a little too indie for the two nerds, but they loved it. After sharing a morning together, Phil picked up one of the pieces of chalk and drew a heart on the wall. Dan picked up the other piece of chalk and before doing anything, whispered “This is the cheesiest thing we have ever done”. Dan wrote the ‘D+P’ into the poorly drawn heart._

This was now. Now seemed sad. It was a cold early December day, so everything looked dull. The sky was pale blue, it almost looked white. The café’s sign looked battered and drained of its usual color. He walked inside and looked around. The chalk board walls were dusty and less pictures were drawn than usual. It smelled more like a home improvement store than a place to get tea. The seats were worn out and the ceiling painted was almost completely chipped away.

_What happened here?_ Dan thought. The last time he came here was about a week ago and it was in perfect condition. _Did someone purposely ruin the café?_ Dan’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard a familiar voice call his name. 

“Dan! Over here!” he heard Phil call out for him. 

Dan’s face lit up when he saw Phil, but proceeded to look confused when he saw Cat sitting next to Phil. Phil was sitting at their usual booth, so Dan walked to the back of the café and sat in front of him. Dan tried getting eye contact with Phil without Cat noticing. Phil never looked at him. 

_Phil is still upset. Apologize to him._ Dan kept telling himself. Apologize. Dan looked down at his hands.

“Phil, I just want to say sorry about blaming you on the Youtube video. It was my fault,” Dan looked up and Phil looked at him a little bit confused.  
“Dan, that was so long ago. We’ve already been passed that.” 

Dan froze. _It happened last night. Why did Phil call it ‘long ago?’_ Before Dan could ask, Cat spoke up.

“Phil, I think we should just tell him. You know, just get it over with.” She put her hand on Phil’s arm. 

Dan got nervous. _What was going on? Why was Cat even in London?_ Dan picked up his phone to check the time. He felt like he’s been here for hours sitting in that booth. Dan froze. His eyes widened and his breathe stopped. The time read 11:43. He’s only been there for four minutes, but that’s not what frightened him. It was the date. 

December 3rd, 2021

2021.

“Dan, we are-“ 

“What day is it?” Dan bursts out loudly before Phil could finish his sentence. 

“It’s December third, why do you ask” Cat looked confused.

“No. what year is it?” Dan’s eyes were wide and his hands were in fists. 

“Dan…are you doing drugs again?” Phil asked concerning. 

“What? No! I’ve never done drugs!"

“Dan…”

“Just tell me what year it is!” Dan said extremely loud. The few people that were in the café turned to look at their table. His hands were shaking and he was trying to breathe calmly.

“It’s 2021. It has been for twelve months now. It will be 2022 in a few days.” Cat said slowly.

Dan looked horrified. He didn’t know what was going on and he couldn’t fathom what was going on. 

“Dan, are you okay?” Phil asked. He extended his hand and put in on Dan’s tense fists. Dan suddenly got washed over with relief. Of course, the single touch of Phil’s fingers calmed Dan. He tried not to show Phil the face of a crazy time traveler. ‘I will tell Phil about it when we get home,’ Dan thought. 

Phil though, felt uncomfortable. He felt Cat’s eyes burning into the side of his face. He hasn’t held Dan’s hand in over five years. He hasn’t felt this in love with Dan in over five years.

“Well, I guess it’s time to tell him! Dan, me and Phil are going to get married!” She exclaimed. Everyone in the café turned to them again. 

Dan stared at her with wide eyes. _What? What is going on here? What is she talking about?_ Dan was about to panic again but he realized he shouldn’t be making another scene in public.

“And I know we just started talking to each other again a few months ago, but at one point we were best friends.” Phil said.

Dan didn’t speak. His jaw dropped and his hands shook. He didn’t know what was going on or why he and Phil weren’t together anymore. (Or haven’t talked to each other in five years according to Phil) 

“So I’m asking you, Dan, I you can be my best man.”

Dan looked shocked, _weren’t exes banned from going to wedding because of bad luck or something?_

It's like Phil was reading his mind when he said his next sentence. “And I know you’re my ex but I think we can look past that since it has been so long. Cat is totally fine with it aren’t you cat?” Phil looked over to Cat for approval. Her smile was definitely fake when she nodded a yes to the two men. 

Dan couldn’t blame her. Phil was about to make the man he loved for a good six years be his best man. No matter how long it’s been, there still has to be something there. Which was exactly what Dan was going to figure out. He doesn’t want to be a homewrecker here, but Phil was his. Not Cat’s. Dan realized that telling Phil that he was from 2016 would be weird, so he just has to play it cool. He didn’t know if he was going to be stuck here forever or not. 

Phil knew this was a bad idea. He knew that Cat wouldn’t be okay with it and he knew Dan would react badly to the offering, but he didn’t care. Dan is the greatest friend he has ever had. He didn’t want something that happened so long ago ruin that. 

Dan thought for a second more. I can say no and get along with the rest of my life and find someone new or I can get Phil to fall in love with me again. Or he can be the best man and just let Phil marry Cat and live happy without him. Dan hated to think it but he knew it was for the best. 

“Of course I will Phil,” he smiled half-heartedly. 

Keeping Phil happy should be Dan’s main priority. Love meant that you want to see that person happy even if you’re not the one doing it. Dan knew he would lose Phil forever after he got married but hopefully if everything turns out fine, he could keep Phil in his life. 

Phil smiled brightly, his eyes staring into Dan’s. To Phil, it felt like 2009 all over again. Dan’s eyes looked more youthful. His body still looked like he was a drug addict, but his eyes were something else. They looked happy. It looked like Dan didn’t even go through all the hardships of the last five years. Unlike Phil that couldn’t smile as brightly as he used to. He had bags under his eyes constantly and slouched more than he used to. His eyes were never bright like Dan’s eyes were right now.

What Phil didn’t notice when looking into Dan’s eyes was the pain he was feeling. Dan would have started crying right on the spot if he didn’t care about what Phil thought. But he did, so he pushed all of his emotions to the back and smiled as much as he could.


	2. Chapter two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tux shopping and stares.

# Chapter two. 

Dan ended up going back to his apartment alone, because apparently Phil stopped sharing an apartment with him in 2017. The apartment was always cold without Phil. Dan had thought this since they first moved in together and Phil had to go somewhere without him. The real reason it was so cold was the winter air, but Dan couldn’t help but blame the loneliness. The sofa crease seemed nonexistent. The whole apartment looked empty. The walls were such a bland color and he had no food whatsoever. He was left with nothing to do, so he did the one thing he always seemed to procrastinate doing. 

Dan looked around his room but couldn’t find his camera. It wasn’t on his desk nor was it anywhere on the floor of his bedroom. He looked for it in the living room. It wasn’t on any shelves and it wasn’t on the tripod that was randomly set up in the middle of his kitchen. He looked through his cupboards but only found a bag of candy. Which now looking at it closer, Dan realized it was actually a plastic bag full of ecstasy pills. 

There was only one more place to look but Dan dreaded looking into there. He didn’t want to look inside Phil’s room no matter what. His eyes got watery and his breathe became shaky. He told himself not to go inside but his feet weren’t paying attention to him. He made his way in front of Phil’s door. His hand was shaking uncontrollably but he managed to grab the cold, grey doorknob. He twisted it open and his breathe stopped. 

Phil didn’t bother taking his bed or dressers. His duvet was still there and Dan couldn’t help it. He cried. His legs gave out and he fell out to the floor right in front of Phil’s bed. His hands covered his face and his sobs were loud enough for the neighbors to hear. After five minutes of him uncontrollably crying, Dan looked up at the bed. There was something small and white on top of one of the pillows. 

Out of curiosity Dan stood up and grabbed what was now seen as a piece of lined paper. 

_January 2017_

_Dan,_

_I’m so sorry I left this way. We haven’t talked since the video has been posted. I’m so sorry. I love you, but obviously you don’t love me anymore, or at least not like you used to. It was getting out of hand, and our fans keep asking if the video was real. Neither of us have answered so I guess that sums up how we are right now. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. I’m so sorry. I love you, but I think this is the end of our journey together. Please don’t try to call me. This was already hard enough for me._

_Goodbye._

_Phil._

After five years, Dan still had Phil’s goodbye note. 

Dan cried for the rest of the day. At one point he really was thinking of doing the drugs he had in his kitchen. He didn’t, though, Dan thought Phil wouldn’t like him so much if he were a drug addict. Dan told himself he would never become a drug addict, but he already had. In the year 2021 Dan is a recovered drug addict. _Not recovered enough since those pills are still in my house._ Dan thought to himself.

The next morning, he woke up in Phil’s bed and for a second Dan thought he was back in 2016. His eyes lost the sparkle that he had when he woke up once he saw the empty room. Instead of crying and eating whatever he could scavenge like he planned, Dan got a text message from Phil asking if he could come over.

 _Why would Phil want to come here?_ Dan thought before replying a simple ‘sure.’ 

Phil texted back saying he would come in an hour and for Dan to be ready to leave the apartment. Dan dropped his phone on Phil’s bed and went to change his clothes. 

 

Phil is later than Dan had expected. Dan has been counting the minutes, Phil was late by exactly twenty-three minutes and in those minutes Dan was going crazy. Those twenty-three minutes were more than just minutes to Dan, they were a symbol of the fact that Phil was no longer his. He sounded crazy thinking all of this but he couldn’t help himself.  
Dan thinks of himself as crazy. Crazy for letting Phil get away. Crazy for doing drugs. Crazy for still living in the apartment him and Phil shared. Crazy for keeping Phil’s note. Crazy for keeping Phil’s whole room. Crazy for everything. And in this moment he thinks he’s crazy for thinking Phil could love him once again. 

Dan’s thoughts were interrupted by the door bell ringing. Twenty-five minutes. Dan didn’t care about the minutes anymore though, he only cared about opening the door for Phil. He rushed down the stairs and opened the door to show a smiling Phil Lester. 

“Hi Dan, I’m so sorry for being late, I didn’t know cake tasting would take so long” he let out a small chuckle as he walked inside. 

“No problem, it’s not like I was counting the minutes or anything” Dan laughed nervously. Why was he nervous in the first place? He shook his head and tried to act more calm.  
Phil didn’t reply to Dan’s comment but went upstairs into the kitchen. Phil wasn’t surprised when he found absolutely no food in Dan’s house. Every time Phil came over Dan had no food, no drinks and one time no water. 

Phil’s smile turned into a frown and his eyes got darker when he saw the little plastic bag full of drugs on the counter. “Dan I thought you stopped doing those” Phil picked up the bag. 

Dan shook his head and put both hands in front of his body, “No, I’m not ‘doing those’ I just found them when I was looking for some food.”  
Phil’s eyes softened “Oh, well, that’s good. I like a sober Dan.”

Dan couldn’t help smiling at Phil’s comment. He looked at his shoes hoping Phil doesn’t notice how in love Dan was. 

“Well, I came here to ask if you wanted to go tux shopping, but if you don’t want to that’s totally fine. I know the other groomsmen are going to rent theirs but I don’t know. I know I have to buy one and I just thought you would buy one too, I don’t know why tho-,” Phil was rambling on and he didn’t know why. He couldn’t stop. How awkward is this, Phil thought.

Before he could say more Dan looked up at him and smiled brightly, “I’d love to, Phil.”

Phil’s eyes looked right into Dan’s and he smiled back. Phil was back in 2009 again. He looked away before Dan could notice how in love he was. Phil knows it’s wrong for him to feel this way when he’s going to get married in two months, but he’ll never not love Dan. Dan was his first real love. They spent eight years of their lives together, you can’t just forget about someone that important, right?

“We should get going then, yeah?” Dan reached to hold Phil’s hand, but remembered he couldn’t. Not just because they are in public but also because Phil isn’t his anymore. 

 

Phil led the way into a fancy clothing store. The tile was white marble and it had Greek columns holding the ceiling up. Silky curtains draped over each wall with a giant chandelier lighting u the room to make it brighter than it already was. In the middle was an antique looking carpet with two sofas on each side of it. Racks of different tuxes were in another room right beside it. Dan couldn’t help feel out of place and he knew Phil felt the same. They walked up to the desk to the left of the shop and looked at each other with doubt. Dan’s face read “seriously are we buying tuxes from here” Phil’s said “Let’s just give it a try.” 

Dan thought it was funny how even after all that time Phil could still perfectly read his expressions. Phil looked back at the man to ask him a question but Dan couldn’t look away from Phil. _Damn, he’s beautiful._

“What do you think, Dan?” Phil asked. 

Dan looked down at his feet, embarrassed of no paying attention because of Phil’s face. “W-What did you say, I’m sorry,” Dan stuttered. 

“He asked if we wanted help or if we just look around by ourselves” Phil gave a half-hearted smile before turning back to the old man. Phil too was embarrassed because he noticed Dan looking at him like that. Dan used to always look at him like that. Like Phil was the center of his universe. Phil couldn’t help but feel warm inside. He frowned though, because this is now and now meant that Phil was marrying Cat; not Dan. 

“We can just look around by ourselves for a while and ask for help when we need it” Dan said to the man, “Thank you.” 

Dan started walking to the tuxes and looking through them. Phil followed him. Dan pulled out a baby blue one with a ruffled shirt, “Totally your style, Phil,” he laughed.  
Phil shoved Dan playfully while laughing at Dan’s teasing. “Oh yeah, I bet you’d look great in this one.” Phil pulled out an old fashioned gangster looking suit from the rack.  
Dan laughed lovingly. Dan missed this. He missed the playful teasing and the stupid conversations and Phil looking adorable. He missed everything. 

Dan and Phil were looking into each other’s eyes and they both were saying the same thing. 

I love you.

Phil looked away as soon as he noticed what he was doing. He looked through more tuxes in silence, Dan doing the same thing. Phil couldn’t believe how just a day with Dan could cause him to be in love all over again. 

Dan smiled to himself. Maybe he wasn’t so crazy thinking Phil could be his. _But that isn’t the problem,_ Dan thought. _Phil was supposed to marry Cat, and love her._ It hurt Dan to think of that but it’s his fault. He is the one who started the fight. _Act like a friend, Howell._ So that’s exactly what he was going to do, and hopefully he doesn’t fall any deeper in love. 

Dan pulled out a nice black tux that was lined on the inside. It looked like every single other tux inside the store but Dan liked it. “Phil I think I’m going to try this one it’s really nice” he told Phil. 

Phil nodded to him and continued to look through the suits. To Phil, there was literally no difference. All of them were black except for a selected few. All of them had that little pocket in the front of the left breast. Most of them had the same stupid pattern on the inside. Phil sighed and picked a nice looking tux and a bow tie. He went to the dressing rooms and tried it on. It looked like every suit he’s ever worn. Black pants, White collared shirt, Black blazer, black bow tie. Everything was the same. 

Phil never bothered to tell Cat that he really doesn’t care about the tux and that he can just use one of his old one but this whole wedding is very important to Cat for some reason. Phil didn’t care about a big fancy wedding. He didn’t even think getting married was that important, but his mother thought otherwise. His mother said he should get married and have kids before he’s 40, but Phil didn’t care. He started seeing Cat as a girlfriend about two years after he and Dan broke up. At first, Cat was just someone who would listen to Phil or be there when he was lonely, but after two months of talking to her she confessed that she was in love with Phil. Phil doesn’t want to seem like a bad person but he only started dating her to get Dan off his mind. Phil always thought he was gay, and he was pretty sure Cat knew he was gay, but he decided not to think about it at all. He just wanted to stop thinking of Dan. 

The dressing room area was huge. One wall was a mirror top to bottom. In the center was a circle love seat. A mother was sitting on it while flipping through a wedding magazine. The rest was taken up by elegant doors with crystal doorknobs. 

Phil walked out and saw Dan fixing his tie. “I don’t think it’s that great but I didn’t like any of the other ones so I guess” He said looking down at his clothes.  
Phil stopped in his tracks. His heart started beating faster than ever. Dan was beautiful. His hair was messy from changing clothes and his figure looked better than ever. Dan looked up and noticed Phil staring. 

“I look stupid don’t I?” Dan had a big smile on his face while trying to do the tie. Phil smiled. He loved Dan’s dimples. He always did. Phil is brought back to the times he would Skype dan just to see his beautiful smile. 

“No, no you don’t, you look…” Phil was looking for a word that seemed totally platonic, “nice.”

“Phil, you look absolutely amazing in yours.” Dan exaggerated the ‘amazing’ part. “Do you see how that was a ‘you look great’? The word nice means you think I look stupid” Dan laughed. 

Phil couldn’t help but to smile at him because Dan got it all wrong. Phil thinks he look beautiful and perfect, but you can’t tell that to your friend. At least they can’t.  
“I’m serious Dan, you look great” Phil smiled at him. 

Dan tilted his head a little to the right. “Really?” he grabbed the sides of his jacket with his hands bunching up the fabric. 

“Yes, really!” Phil let out a small chuckle because Dan was now making funny faces at him. 

Phil stood up and declared he was going to change out of the stupid tux. Which left Dan staring mindlessly at himself for a while. 

“You two are so adorable!” the lady with the magazine said. 

Dan just blushed, not knowing how to respond to her compliment.

“When is the special day?” she smiled. 

“oh, uh, I don’t know I think it’s somewhere around February?” Dan really did not know when or where the wedding was going to take place. It didn’t really matter for the best man to know so soon. 

“You don’t know your own wedding day?” the lady looked concerned at pretty upset. 

“Oh! No, no, no, no, uh we aren’t getting married. Me and him. No. Uh, I’m the uh, I’m the best groom, I mean the groom. No! the best man” Dan rambled on. Stuttering every word. He was completely embarrassed but what could he do. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry. It’s just the way you two look at each other made me think both of you were getting married. To each other that is” the lady smiled and went back to looking at her magazine. 

Dan blushed. _Phil looks at me, too._

Dan dressed out of his tux and ended up buying it as did Phil. 

“Do you want to get food or something? I know a really great deli nearby?” Phil asked as he and Dan walked out of the store. 

“Sure, I don’t think I have anything else to do.”

Phil nodded his head and led Dan to the deli. 

“Phil, can I just ask you something?” 

Phil looked at Dan, “Sure, what’s wrong?” Phil was actually terrified of Dan asking why he was marrying Cat, because right now he doesn’t even know. 

“That night back in twenty-sixteen…when we fought, what happened after I locked myself in my room?”

“Dan, I really don’t want to-“

“Please…please Phil.”

“You know what happened, Dan”

“I just want to hear it from your side of the story.” That was a lie. Dan didn’t know what happened. The last thing he remembers is crying himself to sleep. He just wanted to know what happened in general.

Phil sighed. “Well, you locked yourself in your room and I didn’t know what to do. We were supposed to be on a flight out to America and you wouldn’t come out.” Phil held back his tears. “I was still angry at you so I said ‘Dan if you don’t get out in by the time I count to five I’m leaving without you.’ I counted and…and well you didn’t come out so I went by myself” Phil’s voice broke. 

Dan stopped in his tracks. “How did we break up?” Dan kept his voice quiet. He didn’t want Phil to hear his voice crack. 

“Dan, stop it.” Phil clenched his jaw. 

“Just tell me.”

“You already know so why are you making me say it?” Phil yelled. 

Everyone in the streets turned to look at them. Half the faces were annoyed the others confused. 

“Phil-“

“No Dan, stop it. We broke up because you never forgave me. You hated me for outing us and you stopped making videos and you just weren’t happy” Phil wiped a tear from his eye before it rolled down his cheek. “I’m sorry Dan I don’t think I can do this whole lunch thing. I’ll see you later” 

Phil ran off. Not really, though. He was just walking away while Dan stood frozen on the pavement. He couldn’t move or speak or even cry for that matter. He just stood there thinking. 

_It’s all my fault. We could be the ones getting married if I wasn’t so stupid. Phil would still love me if he knew that I loved him too. I ruined our chance. I can’t have him anymore. He’s Cats now. And did Phil say I stopped making videos? That was my happiness. Why would I stop? My fans probably hate me. I hate me. God, I want to go back to 2016. I would open the door as soon as Phil said the first number. We would just openly tell everyone we are in love. I would still be happy and it could be us getting married. I hate myself._

_I want to go back._

_I love Phil Lester._

_I can’t have him because I ruined my chance._

Dan finally lifted his hand to wipe his tear stained face. He took a deep breath in and walked back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying my best but i bet this fic sucks also thank you for reading it. i love you


	3. chapter three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PJ's birthday party and some drugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***I HAVE NEVER DONE DRUGS SO IDK WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU SO THIS CHAPTER MIGHT SEEM LIKE COMPLETE SHIT IF YOU DO DRUGS OR KNOW MORE ABOUT THEM THAN ME WHOOPS***  
> The slow song i pictured them dancing to is True Love Waits by Radiohead but that's just a little tid bit to the whole story that i didn't bother actually putting in.  
> **Also I really didn't like writing PJ as a druggie but his first videos remind me of acid trips so its okay.**

# Chapter three.

 

It’s been three full days since the outburst on the street. Dan was contemplating on texting Phil that he was sorry for a good hour. What was Dan supposed to say. “Hey I’m sorry for reminding you of how I screwed up our perfect relationship?” 

_Damn it, Howell, you’re such a fuck up._

Dan sat silently in his sofa crease with a bowl of cereal in one hand and his phone I the other. 

_Just text him._

_But isn’t that a little impersonal and mean?_

_As long as you say sorry, Phil will be okay._

_But Phil probably won’t actually forgive you, he will just say he forgives you but not mean it._

Dan had a full conversation with himself on what he should do about Phil. With another five minutes of fighting with himself, he decided on calling Phil, but before he could call, he got a text message from PJ. 

_FROM PJ: Once upon a wonderful year back in the 90’s a mother gave birth to the Starman. He expects the best of parties every December. (My birthday party is tomorrow I hope you remembered to get the stuff ;D)_

Dan’s day brightened as he read the message. He was still friends with PJ. He hoped that Phil was still friends with him too. Dan became confused once he reread the text. _What stuff was he supposed to bring? Plates? Some crisps?_ Dan felt stupid asking what he was supposed to bring but he did it anyways.

_FROM DAN: Just to make sure…What stuff are we talking about?_

Dan tried his best to make it seem like he knew exactly what ‘the stuff’ meant. He finished his cereal and stood up to put his bowl in the sink. As he was about to walk back, Dan got a notification. He pulled out his phone and read the message from PJ.

_FROM PJ: Very funny, Dan, the drugs. You promised ecstasy, you little devil :D_

Dan choked. _What? I promised drugs?_ Dan reread the message two more times, just to make sure that’s what he texted. He looked up and saw the bag of drugs sitting on his counter. Dan shook his head and went back to the lounge. _Would it be weird to ask PJ if Phil was going?_ It was, but Dan overlooked that because he was desperate to see Phil. 

_FROM DAN: Is Phil going??_

_FROM PJ: Well duh_

Dan smiled. Plan ATP, ‘Apologize to Phil’, was in motion. 

Dan really didn’t know what Plan ATP involved but he knew he would apologize and make sure that him and Phil were ‘best buds’ again. Dan laid back on his sofa crease and turned on the tv. He actually felt happy for once.

  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


Dan was nervous. It was the night of PJ’s party and the time to tell Phil he’s sorry. Now that Dan was thinking about it, he thought it was pretty stupid that he waited so long to tell him sorry but it’s too late now. He stuffed the plastic bag full of ecstasy and headed to PJ’s house.

The ride there was nerve wracking for Dan, but he put those feelings aside and started practicing what he was going to say to Phil. The ride there was long so he had enough time to rerun the scenario in his head enough for him to remember it.

_Okay, I knock on the door, PJ opens it. He welcomes me inside. I walk inside and see some of my friends, I say hi to all of them. I have small talk with them. I see Phil talking to Cat. I don’t give Cat any mean glares. Phil sees me and gives a small smile but doesn’t talk to me. I give him a little bit of space at first. I continue chatting it up with old friends and only look towards Phil twice. Finally, Cat gets up to go to the kitchen to grab herself some more beer._

_I walk over to Phil. At first he doesn’t look to happy to see me but I ask him if I can just talk for five minutes. He allows me and I look him in the eye. (totally platonic though) and tell him I’m sorry. I will tell him that I shouldn’t bring that up and I never will. Phil gives me a real smile and accepts my apology. He half hugs me and tells me I’m still his best man. Cat comes back and says hi to me. That’s a signal for me to leave. I walk up and go grab myself some beer and celebrate PJ’s birth and my friendship with Phil._

“This is your stop” The cabbie said as he pulled up to PJ’s flat. 

Dan gave him money and stepped out in the cold. He took a deep breath and walked up to the door and knocked.

_PJ opens it. He welcomes me inside_

PJ opened the door and looked left and right. “Hurry up Dan, get in. I think my neighbors called the police beforehand. They know we have drugs.”

Dan walked inside.

_I see some of my friend, I say hi to all of them._

Dan saw two of his friends the rest of the people were strangers, but they all saw Dan and said hello. Dan smiled and walked over to them. Dan tried to say hi but he ended up just coughing for smoke was all over the room. He realized all the people there were high off something and decided to skip conversing with them. 

_I see Phil talking to Cat._

Phil was nowhere in sight, nor was Cat. Dan checked his phone to check the time. The party started at seven and it was already seven-fifteen. He knew Phil didn’t like being late. He shrugged it off and tried blaming it on the wedding. He was about to go get something to drink but before he could get out of the smoke-filled room, PJ called him out. 

“Danny Boy, where’s my present?” PJ exclaimed. PJ noticed the confused look on Dan’s face and rolled his eyes dramatically. “The Scooby Snacks.” Still confused. “The drugs, Dan!” 

“Oh,” Dan took out the bag and threw it at PJ. He was about to take another step out when PJ called out his name again. 

“Manners, my boy, the bringer of drugs gets first take.” He threw the bag back at Dan. 

Dan caught it and made a disgusted face. He didn’t want to take ecstasy, nor be high when Phil arrives. “Nah, it’s fine. I’m not up for any tonight.”

“but Daaan…” PJ stretched out his name. “It’s my birthday and its tradition. Come on, just one.”

Dan knew he wouldn’t be doing any drugs at the party, but he knew PJ wouldn’t get off his case unless he took it. Dan opened the plastic bag and grabbed one that had a superman sign on it. He sighed and put it in his mouth. He didn’t swallow it, though, he was planning on spitting it out as soon as he got to the kitchen. The group of druggies cheered him on. Dan just smiled and he nodded his head as he ran into the kitchen. He spat out the little tablet and threw it in the trash. 

Dan took a shot of vodka, grabbed a beer and walked back out to the party. He sat next to PJ and started chatting up with some people. They were too high to hold any real conversations, but it was entertaining to Dan. To Dan, hearing someone talk about random colors and life was funny and helped him get Phil out of his mind. After about thirty minutes of listening to mindless banter, Dan got anxious. He was the only mostly sober person at the party and Phil still wasn’t there.

“Dan you don’t seem too happy! What’s on your mind?” PJ slurred out and laughed a little bit. 

“Nothing, I’m fine” Dan lied. 

“We both know you’re lying, I’m high, not stupid” PJ wiggled his finger at Dan. 

Dan contemplated on asking PJ about Phil.

“Didn’t you say Phil would be here?” 

It clicked in PJ’s intoxicated head. Dan needed Phil. “He probably has some wedding stuff to do, he’ll be here mate.”

PJ patted Dan’s back and stood up and grabbed the bag of ecstasy. He tossed it at Dan, “And if you get to caught up in him, just take one of these fellas. They’ll make you feel a lot better. I know you didn’t take the first one,” PJ winked. 

As PJ walked off to join a different group of people, Dan was left alone with his thoughts. He thought about taking the tablet and after a while of thinking he decided not to. He didn’t think he needed drugs to feel okay. Dan thought he was just fine without them. 

That is until he got frustrated. He was just tired and he started self-loathing again. _Phil isn’t here and it’s probably because he hates me and knew I’d be here. God I’m so stupid._ He stared at the bag he had put down on the coffee table in front of him. He knew he shouldn’t have, but he wanted to stop thinking as much. He grabbed the bag and picked out a blue one with the word ‘SKY’ spelled across it. He gave himself five second to think about what he was about to do. 

_One._

_Two._

_Three._

_Four._

_Five._ He put it in his mouth and swallowed. 

Dan has never taken drugs, at least 2016 Dan hasn’t. He has never known how they are supposed to work nor does he know what they are supposed to do to him. He expected to automatically feel something happen to his mind but nothing happened. He just sat there processing what he just did. He knew he would regret it later, but Phil still hasn’t shown up and Dan was starting to believe that he won’t. After a while of sitting he started feeling better. His mind was all over the place and his eyes lit up. He felt happy. He felt energetic. He started giggling. 

Dan stood up and started dancing to the music, drinking more, and laughing with his ‘friends.’ His mind was wandering and he felt good about himself. The music was so great against his ears. He felt like he was on cloud 9. He completely forgot that Phil was supposed to be there. He told himself he didn’t care if Phil didn’t show up. That Phil is just a memory now and he can do better without him. Dan was just happy for once. And he loved it, so he took another tablet. 

  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


Phil was late to PJ’s party and he felt so bad about it. He’s an hour late because he had dance practice for his wedding. He always told his friends that nothing was going to change after he got married, but he was already missing birthday parties and get-togethers and he isn’t even married yet. 

Phil was both hoping that Dan was there and not there. He hoped he was there so he can tell Dan it wasn’t a big deal and he shouldn’t have made it seem like a big deal. He wanted to be on good terms with Dan, because all he wants is to be friends with him again. He didn’t want to see Dan for that exact reason though. Every time he sees Dan, he feels what he felt when he was in love with him. Phil didn’t want to fall in love with Dan because he knew it was wrong and he felt bad for Cat. He loves Cat. 

He loves Cat…

He likes Cat…

Phil got to PJ’s door and immediately heard music from the inside of the house. He rang the doorbell and PJ opened it. “Phil! You’re here finally. We’ve been waiting for you!” he slurred.

“Happy Birthday Peej!” Phil said excitedly. He looked at PJ concerningly after a while of him swaying back and forth. “Are you okay?” Phil put his hand on PJ’s shoulder. 

“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” PJ laughed. 

Phil knew he was high as fuck, but he didn’t bother to say anything. PJ gestured him inside. He walked in and immediately saw Dan dancing by himself. The room was filled with smoke but he could perfectly see Dan in his usual black attire. Phil smiled as he watched Dan dance to the music. He was swaying his hips and singing the lyrics to the Muse song. _Dan loves that song. What a cutie. No. Not cute, just lame._ Phil told himself. 

Even though his conscience told him otherwise, he walked up to Dan. “Wow Dan, you’re actually dancing?” Phil laughed as he stood behind Dan. “You used to never dance” Phil said right next to Dan’s ear to make sure he heard.

Dan giggled and turned around and placed his arms around Phil’s waist. Dan had the biggest smile on his face when he saw Phil. “Ph-Phil I didn’t think you were coming I’m so glad you’re here” He pulled Phil into a tighter hug. 

Phil laughed at Dan’s clingy tendencies but then Phil started feeling awkward. “You can let go now, Dan” Phil chuckled. 

“Just dance with me Phil.” 

A slow song was playing and Dan was already swaying both their bodies to the rhythm. “Phil I love you” Dan looked into Phil’s eyes and leaned in. 

At first, Phil didn’t know what to do other than pull apart from Dan. He didn’t know how to respond, but then it clicked in Phil’s head once he saw Dan struggle to stay standing up. 

“Dan are you high?” 

“I don’t know what you call it but PJ told me that his friend Mary Jane and Molly are really nice people and I should see them. The problem is I can’t find them but he gave me more of those little chalky tablets and some grass in a bag aha!” 

“We should get you home, you shouldn’t be doing drugs, Dan. You are a recovering drug addict” 

Another slow song came on. Dan swayed slowly against Phil’s body, head on his shoulder. “After this song, I love this song.”

Phil sighed and reluctantly swayed with Dan to the sound of Radiohead. Phil felt nice dancing with Dan, but he wasn’t admitting it to himself. He kept telling himself that it was just to keep an eye on Dan. He wasn’t enjoying the closeness, but he was. 

“Thank you for Dancing with me” Dan whispered into his ear. 

Phil didn’t say anything. He just continued moving side to side until the song ended. When it did. Dan shot up and smiled at Phil, “We should get you some weed.”

“No, no, no, no. You are going home” Phil dragged him to the door. He called out to PJ and mouthed a ‘sorry’. PJ didn’t really care at all and Phil knew he didn’t but it seemed quite rude to go to someone’s party late and leave 10 minutes later. 

“Phil, I don’t want to leave,” Dan whined. He tried to walk back in but Phil grabbed his hand and dragged him away. 

Phil called a cabbie, but it was going to take a while. Dan still had ecstasy in his system so he was still very energetic. He paced back and forth in front of Phil and started twirling and looking at the stars. 

“Phil”

“Yes, Dan”

“Twirl with me”

“…okay” 

Phil stood up from the pavement and spun around. Phil felt stupid doing it since he was nowhere near drunk, but if it was going to stop Dan from going back into the party and doing more drugs, Phil was going to keep twirling. 

After a while Phil got dizzy and stopped and Dan followed him in sitting down on the curb. Dan was still energetic but he settled down and put his head in Phil’s lap. 

“Phil…You are…You’re so…so, so, so great” 

Phil knew that some effects from ecstasy was more energy and the need for physical contact, so he didn’t bother trying to get Dan’s head off him because he knew it wouldn’t work. “Yes, I know I’m a great friend for being there before you overdosed and died.”

Dan laughed and hid his face in Phil’s shirt. “I’m such a mess.” 

Phil felt completely awkward. What was he supposed to do? Tell Dan to get off of him? _He’s high, he doesn’t know any better. This is completely platonic._ Phil was relieved when he saw the cabbie drive up in front of them. “Come on, Dan, into the cab.” He was pretty sure Dan was at the stage of sickness because he groaned and picked up his head slowly.

Phil picked him up and escorted him into the small car. The ride to Dan’s flat was much less awkward than them sitting outside of PJ’s house. Dan rested his head on the glass the whole ride. When they got there, Dan was still drugged out but less energetic. 

Phil got him out of the car and Dan almost fell. “Dan please, just stay up for like two more minutes so I can get you into your house.”

Dan walked up to the door and fumbled in his jacket to grab his keys. Finally, he pulled them out but his vision was impaired so he couldn’t fit the key in. Phil sighed and grabbed the keys from Dan and opened the door. Phil walked him inside. 

“Come on, Dan. Into your bed.” Phil guided Dan to his room. 

“I don’t like my room” Dan whined. 

Phil sighed and stopped when they were in front of his bedroom door. “Where will you sleep then?”

Dan looked at the floor “I’ve been sleeping in your room.” 

Phil’s expression changed. He felt a sting in his heart. 

“Okay,” Phil opened his door and winced when he saw the room. It was exactly how he left it. Phil tried to seem cool with it and not fazed by it in anyway, but he was completely dying inside. Luckily, Dan was high so he didn’t notice. 

Phil helped Dan onto his old bed. 

“Okay Dan, go to sleep. I have to go.” Phil was about to turn around and leave. (Probably cry a little bit before going back to Cat) Until he heard Dan call his name. He turned around and looked at the younger man.

“Phil can you just stay here. Please” Dan’s voice cracked. Phil felt the tears in his eyes but he didn’t dare shed any of them. 

“I’m sorry, Dan. I can’t.” 

“Please, you won’t be cheating. Just lie down next to me” he whispered.

Phil knew he shouldn’t have, but he was thinking. All he cared about was Dan in that moment. _It’s not cheating. I’m just sleeping next to him._ Phil pulled the green duvet up and lied next to Dan. At first it was awkward and quiet, but when Dan moved closer to him, Phil felt a sense of comfort. He smiled just a bit and closed his eyes.

Dan knew it was risky to do what he was about to do next, but he was high out of his mind so he didn’t think Phil would think much of it. He just hoped Phil said what he thinks he would say. 

“I love you, Phil”

There was complete silence, Phil thought about not saying it, but he knew Dan wouldn’t remember any of this so he said it. 

“I love you more.”

Dan smiled. “I love you most.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so cheesy but oh well amiright.


	4. Chapter four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i suck at summaries. they do stuff. Dan is still emo. lots more angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry how late this is?? like I'm an actual mess and i procrastinate more than Dan.

# Chapter four.

“I can’t believe we are barely picking a venue,” Cat cried. “Our wedding is in two months, how are we going to find a nice place?” 

Phil wasn’t giving all his attention to Cat. He was too busy looking at what people were tweeting about him and Dan. He muttered a yes and no every so often but he just wasn’t in the mood to listen to Cat whine. _Is that a bad thing?_ Phil thought.

“Phil.”

“Mhm.”

“Phil”

“Mhm”

“Phil, you’re not paying attention to me,” Cat walked over to where Phil was sitting and hugged him. “Babe, what’s on your mind. You are usually involved in conversations.”

“Nothing, I was just distracted by my phone,” Phil sighed.

“Well” Cat stopped hugging him to look at him in the eyes. “Call up Dan. I’ll call joey, since we need to have the best man and the man of honor,” she smiled. 

Phil nodded his head. _'How do I call him?'_

 

 

Dan felt better about himself. He read articles about ecstasy giving you depression after taking it but it’s been two days and he’s never felt better. Sure, he was a little disappointed when he saw that Phil wasn’t lying down next to him and embarrassed that Phil saw his old room, but he looked behind that. He knew it was for the best. 

All day Dan has been searching through his phone and laptop to find out more about himself. He’s still friends with a lot of his usual friends. A few not so much, but not on bad terms. The Phandom thinks Dan can get back to being a youtuber. They still blame themselves, though. Dan doesn’t know why; it was his fault after all. He was still going outside sometimes. People have taken pictures of Dan from last year. He looks terrible. He was somehow paler than he already was. Skinny, darker circles, never smiling in the pictures. When he was, it was for pictures with others. He looked through old messages. Louise had asked him if he’s okay multiples of times. He would text yes, but Louise would know that it was a lie and texted him to eat something. 

Dan was looking better now. Eating, sleeping as much as possible, smiling sometimes. 

Dan dropped his phone on the sofa and took in a deep breath.

‘ _Today will be a day to relax_ ’ Dan thought. That thought was interrupted by his phone, though. He sighed and picked it back up. 

_Phil._

He answered it quickly. “Hi, Phil,” Dan couldn’t help but smile. 

“Dan! Can you meet me somewhere, it’s for the wedding?” 

The smile softened. “Uh, yeah, like right now?” 

“Sorry that it’s such short notice, but Cat barley reminded me right now, I was supposed to call you a bit earlier” That was a lie. Phil was contemplating what he was going to say to Dan for 30 minutes. It ended up taking too long and Cat asked him if he called. He lied and said he forgot. 

“Um, well, yeah, I guess. I’ll be there in a few, bye Phil”

“Bye Dan.”

Phil hung up

“I love you” Dan said to the lifeless phone, knowing Phil didn’t hear him.

He sighed. _Best buds. It’ll be fine. Don’t mess things up with Phil,_ Dan thought.

 

 

“Hey guys! I’m here with Cat and Phil” Joey held up a camera to his face. “And guess who else is with us!” 

Dan really didn’t want to be part of the vlog but he wanted to show people that he is okay now, so with a big smile on his face he yelled out “It’s me!” as Joey pointed the camera to him.

“It’s Dan!” Joey said excitedly. “So right now, we are looking for a place for Cat and Phil’s wedding. We have been to four places already but none of them are to Cat’s liking.” 

“None of them have the ‘wow’ factor I’m looking for!” Cat explained to the camera.

The four walked to another venue close by. It was a big white building with columns in the front. A lady was waiting for them at the door.  
“Are you the Lester group?” she asked in a posh accent. 

“Yes.” Cat smiled as she hugged Phil’s arm. 

Dan hated the sight of it. Throughout all the places they went, Cat looked so in love with Phil. She was nice to him, she was laughing at the jokes that Dan would have rolled his eyes at, she was happy. And by the looks of it, Phil was happy too. 

They walked in and Cat immediately scrunched up. “I’m not feeling the color scheme of this place.” 

“And Cat hates this place too.” Joey said into the camera. 

Cat rolled her eyes. Phil just smiled. Dan didn’t think Phil cared all that much about the venue. Phil was always the ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ type of guy. Dan smiled at the thought of Phil telling his mom that the last time she asked if he and Dan were ever going to settle down ‘for real’. 

“I’m just not feeling it. I want the mind blowingly beautiful place that I fall in love with right when I see it,” Cat said. 

“Well that’s all the places on the list” Phil sighed. 

Cat smiled, “Wait, I left one out. I didn’t really know if I should have included it since it’s outside but just maybe.” Cat pulled on Phil’s arm as she ran out the door, Joey, and Dan behind them. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_“Where are we going?” Dan laughed as Phil pulled his arm._

_“You’ll see,” Phil guided Dan along the pavement. “Ugh, and it looks so beautiful at this time of day!”_

_“You mean the middle of the night when no one else is awake,” Dan said sarcastically._

_“We’re almost there”_

_Phil covered Dan’s eyes from behind. “Is that really necessary, Phil?” Dan chuckled._

_“Of course, it is,” Phil smiled. “Now take like ten steps forward”_

_"Is this the part where you admit that you're a serial killer and you're taking me to your lair and killing me?" Dan joked._

_"I promise I'm not killing you."_

_Dan counted the steps in his head and stopped at hi tenth like Phil instructed. Phil still had his hands on Dan’s eyes. “Okay, I’m going to take my hands off your face now and you are going to be amazed, okay.” He took his hands off Dan’s eyes._

_Dan’s eyes adjusted to the brightness and stared in awe. They were in a park full of dark green trees and bushes. Fairy lights littered all over the plants. The grass was green and the single black bench made the aesthetic._

_“It’s beautiful.” Dan whispered._

_“I knew you would like it,” Phil smiled and kissed Dan’s cheek._

_Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist._

_“This is probably the cheesiest thing we’ve ever done. You’re such a romantic loser.”_

_Phil rolled his eyes._

_"I'm not kidding, this is straight out of a phanfiction," Dan laughed._

_“Shut up, you love it,” Phil pulled Dan into a proper kiss._

_The kiss was soft and full of love. Their lips mover together slowly, nothing to hold them back. The cold air slightly chapped both their lips, but it wasn’t a problem for them at all. Dan always loved the taste of Phil’s mouth. Coffee and mint. His mouth was warm in contrast to the midnight weather. Dan’s hands glided up to Phil’s hair._

_“I love you” Dan muttered between kisses._

_They pulled away. “I love you more.”_

_“I love you most.”_

_They both smile and sat down on the bench, Phil’s head in Dan’s lap. “This place is so nice and peaceful.” Phil smiled up and Dan._

_Dan was playing with pieces of Phil’s dark hair. “Do you think a lot of couples come here?”_

_“Probably, there’s a Pokestop nearby” Phil joked._

_“Shut up,” Dan laughed and leaned down to kiss Phil again._

_Phil pulled away and looked Dan in the eyes. “One day, we’re going to get married here, I promise. Not yet, but one day. We will be saying our vows right in front of this bench.”_

_Dan smiled at the thought of them getting married to Phil. “I’ll remember that promise” Dan pecked Phil’s lips._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dan’s heart sank. He never felt so heartbroken. Cat took them to the park. _Their park._ The grass wasn’t as green as it was before, but it was still as beautiful as Dan remembered it. The lights still scattered all over the trees, the bench was still there. Although it looked more worn out. The paint on it was chipping and the grass underneath it was overgrown. 

“Isn’t it wonderful” Cat exasperated. “I found it one time when I was taking my niece for a walk.”

Phil looked at Dan, tears failing to come out, “It’s beautiful.” Phil mouthed a sorry at Dan. 

Dan looked away. He felt overwhelmed, but he didn’t dare shed a tear. He told himself that it was all for the best. The place was beautiful and Phil deserved a beautiful wedding. 

“I don’t know if I like this place all that much” Phil told Cat. He was lying, he loved this place and would love to get married there. But the park was made for him and someone else, not Cat. 

“But I thought you said it was beautiful?” Cat pouted. 

“I don’t know, doesn’t it seem a little cheesy?” Phil thought of an excuse.

“You like cheesy, come on, this place is perfect” Cat hugged Phil. 

Phil looked Back at Dan. His eyes were glossy and his hands were in balls. But he gave Phil the nod of ‘it’s fine’. Phil frowned, but reluctantly said “Okay, we’ll get married here.”

Dan swallowed down the tears and took a deep breath. “Well, come on love birds, let’s go ask a park ranger if you can wed here.” 

Cat and Joey squealed and headed off to find the park manager. When they were out of sight Phil sighed.

“I’m so sorry, Dan,” he tries to look at Dan in the eyes but Dan keeps his head down. “Look at me… Please.” 

Dan doesn’t want to look at him. He knows that if he does, he’ll see Phil behind the spot where they should be getting married, and that’s just not what he wants to see right now.

“It’s not supposed to be this hard, Dan” Phil whispers. “It’s been so long, how can we still be like this?” He sighed and walked closer to Dan. 

Dan looked up to see Phil only an inch away. “Make me a promise, Dan.” Phil held up his pinky. 

Dan stared at it. Still not talking. If he does his voice will crack and he’ll just want to cry even more.

“Promise me you’ll be my best friend forever. I don’t care if we’re not in love, I just want you to be my friend. Promise me that we can be friends. Promise me… That this will stop ben so awkward and sad” 

Dan eyes found themselves staring into Phil’s blue ones. The words ‘not in love’ echoed in Dan’s ears. He was still in love, and that’s why it’s still hard. That’s why _this_ can’t work out. Reluctantly, he held out his pinky and wrapped it around Phil’s. “I promise.”

He was going to try to make it work, though. That’s what matters.

Phil smiled. 

 

 

After that day, Dan tried his best to keep his promise. Instead of moping around his lonely apartment, he would invite a friend or two so the place wouldn’t feel as sad. PJ was really fun to be around even when he was high. Chris made him laugh all the time. Louise was there to talk to Dan about everything. Dan was always really comfortable with Louise. He always told her everything so that’s exactly what he did one cold December day.

“Louise, you know I tell you everything, right?” Dan said as he sat opposite of her on his sofa, drinking a cup of tea. 

“Of course, that’s why I know we are such good friends” she chuckled. 

Dan hesitated on telling her the whole truth. Like parts of not recalling the past five years, because he’s pretty sure he’s from the year 2016 and he needs to get back to the year 2016. He just wanted to tell her about Phil. How much he really cares and loves Phil and doesn’t want him to get married. That’s not what came out though. 

“Do you think Phil should marry Cat?” He blurted out.

Louise coughed and put down her cup of tea, Dan did the same. She raised her eyebrows and asked very calmly, “Do you think Phil should marry Cat?” 

Dan threw his head back and groaned. He knew she was going to say that. His life was going well. He rarely thought about Phil. He wasn’t a drug addict. His friends came to see him. He was actually going outside. Yet, right at that moment Dan couldn’t take it anymore. He missed Phil. He wanted him back and he just really needed to tell someone so he did. There was no stopping his emotions.

He put a pillow over his face. “I love him, Louise” his yelling muffled by the pillow.  
“Dan take the pillow off your face” Louise laughed. 

He didn’t.

“Dan.”

He groaned, but took the pillow off his face. He frowned at Louise.

“I love him, Louise. I’ve loved him since 2008 and he didn’t even know who I was in 2008. That’s like a full decade and a half or something.”

He rested his head in Louise’s lap. Louise stroked his hair in means of comfort. “Let it all out, darling.”

“He’s making me be his best man for goodness sakes! How am I supposed to be best man when I want to be the one yelling ‘I OBJECT’? and then I thought I screwed up completely by bringing up why we broke up but he fucking forgave me, Louise. And then I got high and he slept with me an-“

“Excuse me?” Louise interrupted. 

“We didn’t have sex, Louise. He just slept next to me and honestly it was the happiest moment I’ve had in a while- no offense to any time we’ve hung out, I really enjoy your company- and I just loved having his presence and I love Cat but what the fuck? I know Phil is bisexual, but to go for one our friends like Cat is such a sucky friend for doing that you know? And I’m just miserable, Louise.” 

Louise was still in a state of shock, speechless.

“I’m so sorry for dumping all this on you, I just needed to get it out. God, I sound like a fucking teenager,” Dan covered his face with the pillow again in shame.  
“Don’t apologize, Dan.” She pulled the pillow off Dan’s face. “It’s good to get out all these emotions and if you ask me, I always liked the Dan and Phil show more than the Cat and Phil show,” she smiled at Dan.

“Thanks Louise,” Dan smiled back. He knows he’s extremely lucky to have friend like Louise. 

“What am I going to do with my life?” 

She sighed and thought for a while. “You are going to be Phil’s best man, you will stop hating yourself and you’ll find someone new.” 

Dan didn’t like the whole ‘someone new’ part but he knew the first two should probably happen. “Thanks Louise, you’re my best friend right now, I think”  
As much as she was flattered to be called Dan’s best friend, she knew that title shouldn’t belong to her. She didn’t tell him anything though, she just smiled because she knew that if she did, Dan wouldn’t get any better.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also thanks for reading this i know its cheesy af.

**Author's Note:**

> Lolololol i know this is v crappy im sorry


End file.
